The night I found my spirit animal.

I have been a mess. A chaotic whirlwind of pseudo self-confidence, pride, and misguided ideals rushing through life with blinders on to ignore consequences. I have focused on a dying career path since the age of seven and I have fallen in love (once and utterly in finality). My life with him has taken priority, but I fear that I may lose the 'me' in the 'us.' I wanted to travel, I wanted to live alone, and experience the world alone. I wanted to be an archaeologist, but I have found that my career is not a priority. It pains me to say so, but in reflecting on why I am ashamed I find it is out of pride. The title of archaeologist is/maybe was placed on a pillar in my mind. I still love the subject, but I have yet to meet anybody (in my area) that I would want to work with. This field is either treated as a hobby or so overly professional that nothing gets done, because procedure gets in the way or doesn't match someone else's way of doing things. I have been waiting on a permit for a year and half. I digress. These are negative thoughts.

I have not done what needs to be done nor have I wanted to. There was a time when I was not in school. I had a job (not in archaeology), but I was happy. I was with the love of my life and we were just living. The night I found my spirit animal was the night before Halloween and substances were ingested. I immediately went of on my own (not the smartest decision, but the whirlwind was taking over.) I walked towards the closet park and on the way I felt something following me. I stopped and looked down the wooded alley. It padded its way to my side and we continued walking. Some students of mine would eventually name this creature the Panthowlope. He was mainly in the shape of a black panther, but his shoulders and head were covered in black feathers. His ears and tail were more fox-like and antlers sprouted from his head. His face was dominated by two impossibly large green owl eyes. I accepted this bizarre vision as my spirit animal and walked around town for 5-6 hours. We did not talk, but we thought about many things. By the time that I made my way back home, I knew myself and I was happy.

I miss that person and I miss being happy.

However, I am posting to my blog again. I am writing again. The whirlwind is still there, but I might be able to slow down enough to find my spirit animal again (with meditation and self-reflection). Perhaps, slowing down will solve other problems as well.